Here We Are Again.

Its hard to keep doing something that makes me so sad.

We have again not conceived a child this month. I try to justify it to myself in a way that gives me hope to keep trying.

Sometimes it's "well we did not have sex enough" or maybe our timing was off" or that one day we missed, that must have been the day."

Anything to give me hope and the strength to keep going.

But this month, I have nothing.

I don't know what to tell myself. I am now feeling like why am I doing this to myself? Why to I allow myself to get excited and make plans every month only to feel horrible like I do now? I don't know anymore. I want a family more than anything but I need to have a goal. I need to know what did not work last time and what we can do different this time.

But I have nothing.

I need something.

GreenpeaceVisit to Cat Island (47th Day of the BP Oil Spill)

Jolene, Buddy and Boomer,

Dear Jolene, Buddy and Boomer,

I want to first say I love you so much. Mommy and Daddy have to go to Michigan for a week and you will be home with your super cool Uncle Jonny. Here are a few rules for when we are gone.

Jolene - Please don't miss us too much. Try to have fun. You're too old to boycott food in hopes it will bring us (me) home sooner. We will be gone till Sunday. I know if you ask nicely (or bug him enough) Jonny will let you sleep on the bed and under the covers like Daddy lets you do. And one last thing, please be good to your brothers and share the bones. We have more than enough for all of you.

Buddy - Your our big boy and we want you to keep Jonny and the home safe while we are gone but know that he will like you more if you try not to wake him up with barking in the middle of the night. I hope no bad storms come while we are gone (I know they scare you too much) but I know that if you need to Jonny will let you cuddle till it passes.

Boomer - Please, please, please try not to chew everything while we are gone. I have put all the paper, letters, underwear, shoes, mail, bags, sponges, sanders, spoons, socks, shoes and your other favorites up and out of your reach and warned Jonny. We have left many bones for your teething needs.

We love you three so much and we will miss you lots. This should be our last trip without you because once Big Ugly (the RV) is in tip top shape you will always come with us. Again please be good. I promise we will bring you home a surprise!

Love,
Mommy & Daddy

P.S. Please boys, don't drink all the water from the toilets

TWW=Two Week Wait

Anyone TTC (trying to conceve) knows the TWW (two week wait) sucks! It's the two weeks between ovulation and your next period.

I love the different things people come up with do keep occupied during that time.
Here are a few : p

Day 1 - Organize sock drawer. Throw out singles.

Day 2 - Bathe the dogs.

Day 3 - Eat a whole bag chips!

Day 4 - Decide to get healthy, walk 5 miles, get a blister on your heel from sneakers that don't fit right.

Day 5 - Take all the clothing out of your closet. Start sorting which items to throw away or give to charity. Get bored, leave the mess.

Day 6 - Do the same with your dresser. Ditto on the mess. Find mates to single socks you threw out on Day 1. Keep them. Start poking your breasts looking for signs of tenderness.

Day 7 - Go shopping for new clothes. Buy only things that can be "converted" for maternity wear (stretchy pants, straight-waisted tops or dresses). Obsess over whether those twinges you felt were implantation or gas.

Day 8 - Buy a multi-pack of HPT's. Keep looking at them every time you go in the bathroom, even though you know it's too early to tell anything. Wonder if your breasts are sore from being PG, or from all that poking.

Day 9 - Cut coupons out of the newspaper, INCLUDING those for diapers and other baby supplies. Stick them on the refrigerator to remind you that THIS is the month. Call your friend (you know, the pregnant one) and chat for awhile.

Day 10 - Take out package of HPT's, fondle, read directions, put away. Repeat several times. Obsess over whether breasts are more or less tender than they were yesterday.

Day 11 - Wonder if your nausea is from PG, or from the double super burrito with extra jalapenos you ate for lunch (cravings??). Fondle HPT's again, put away.

Day 12 - Spend half the day in the bathroom (see burritos above). Swear you'll never eat Mexican food again... until next time. Throw away diaper coupons because two visitors asked if there was something you wanted to tell them?

Day 13 - Clean up the mess you made on Days 5 & 6. Keep those jeans you wore in high school - you'll get back into a size 3 someday. Be happy that you can walk across your bedroom again without stepping on clothes.

Day 14 - Wake up at 4:30 am, open the HPT... You know what to do.

Day 1 starts for me tomorrow : )
**HPT =Home pregnancy test

10-24

I was going to talk about our busy weekend. But something happened. 10-24 happened.

Officer~"10-24, 10-24 send FD!"

Dispatcher~"Unit confirm, officer down?"

Officer~"That's 10-4 bleeding bad shot in chest went through vest! Send FD quick!"

That is the worst thing to hear in our line of work. That the very people that are trying to keep us all safe, my family and friends, are being hurt. Though it was not one of my officers my heart sank and I immediately went back to what I was trained, stay calm, collected and don't show emotion, our officers need us to be that way to keep them also calm. It's the mob mentality, if one panics everyone follows suit. Well not panic, but our voice and tone on the radio sets the mood for the event.

In the moments that followed the initial radio traffic all officers in the county quickly cleared all the calls they were working and headed to the scene to assist. Our Sergeant (my husband) and our K9 officer went berries and cherries (lights on) to the perimeter. With in minutes the scene was surrounded. Traffic over the radio was quick like bam-bam-bam. Every officer needed a description and had to give their location the moment they could get air time.

This is what we train for. How to handle this stuff. But until it happens its just words spoken in training.

The Fire Department quickly arrived however, to the officers on scene the seconds felt like hours because they were demanding for the fd to "step it up, lots of blood!" When the scene was deemed safe they approached. It was determined that Air Care was needed.

My heart sank even more.

The officer was transported the the areas best trauma center. Shortly after, the department Chaplin was en rout to the hospital to be with the officer and his family. Another officer from an adjacent county had the officers family in tow with lights and sirens to get them there.

Everyone expected the worst. I had been and still am sitting here on the verge of crying. But I can't. Not now when I could be needed at a moments notice and what good an I if I'm a balling cry baby in here.

Finally an update had been made, "UPDATE REF OFC - CONDITION IS GOOD - BULLET EXITED HIS BODY - IT HIT A RIB & BRUSED HIS LUNG - HE WILL BE KEPT FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS AND SHOULD MAKE FULL RECOVERY." You could almost hear the county wide exhale from all the officers and dispatchers working.

But here we are 258 minutes after the 10-24 went out. No bad guy caught yet. I know they will not give up. Houses need to be checked and witnesses will be found.

Please, no matter where you live, please please pray for our first responders. The danger they face is real every day. It could happen anywhere or anytime. And it does.

Here is where we are

While at the doctor getting my staples removed Wednesday, I was able to get a few minutes with the doctor to ask about how the surgery went and about hubbies sperm test.

The good doctor told us (G rated because our son was with us) about my surgery and showed us a few pictures. All of which he said he would go over in detail at my post-op June 4th. He was able to briefly go over the sperm test, again G rated and told us that his quantity was good along with something else but he was worried about the morphology. He explained that meant the shape of the swimmers is not what they wanted it to be and it makes it harder for them to make the long journey and that a procedure called an IUI might work for us. Naturally, due to all the stress I did my best to hide my tears in front of our boy.

Later I Googled all I could on IUI and found that it meant my husband would have to give a deposit and that sperm would be "washed" to get all the good ones and I would be waiting in a different room to be inseminated way up in there to give them a head start.

Now here is the hard part. It only has about a 20% success rate and it's costly. Just to talk with the specialist is $260 and that does not cover anything but his time. Also I was relay having a hard time (at this point in our journey) with the idea of making a baby in a doctors office.

Does that make sense? I know this might be something we might have to do but I'm not ready. I still hold hope with the idea that we can make a baby the old fashion way.

We had the appointment set. But today I couldn't stand it. I had to tell hubby how I was feeling. I needed to know how far we were going to get into this. I know it's $260 to start but than what? How much could this be? He said he did not want to get crazy in the amount we would spend. But I had to ask, how much is a baby worth? When does the spending stop? The average IUI (depends on many factors) is around $2000. And for some is way more. And many do this 3, 4 or more times.

So here is were we are. We are going to cancel the appointment with the specialist and talk more in depth with my doctor Friday at the post-op. We are hoping he can recommend some vitamins or maybe he can put me on meds to insure ovulation.

Please keep us in your prayers.

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